Day 3 of 30…

Day three was about the same as day 2. Confusing, full of mixed signals and “I love you”. Still can’t answer how you can love someone but not want them. I took the day off because I’ve had some sort of stomach flu and I was miserable. I was hoping he would take care of the two little ones while I rested. That was a mistake. I stead he went to another house we own to do some work there while I’m home with a virus, running to the bathroom constantly with two little ones who are sick also. Wow, to me that brings up another issue, selfishness, but on whose part? Mine or his? My conclusion, his. We are expected to stay home and care for the kids when they’re sick as well as care for them and take care of the house. But what about when we’re sick? You would think you’d get the same in return, I’m sure people do, but not in this relationship. I don’t think I’ll ever understand how people can treat others the way they do. For instance, why do you treat someone you “love” like garbage or a verbal punching bag or tell them you don’t want them then talk to them about vacation, refinancing a vehicle that’s in both names just to get a little extra cash? I started this post a few days ago and I’m really behind on the posting. But I’ve realized over the past few days that things aren’t going to change. Thing with people who have anger problems will most likely never change even though they’ve been through therapy with you and by themselves. I have seen my child treated like crap because of an argument we had and he was mad at me, so not only was she sick now she get yelled at for no reason at all. I’m angry, I’m so angry that this is happening. I told myself I would give it thirty days to come to a conclusion on what to do which is leave or stay and deal with this. I’m leaning towards leaving big time and he doesn’t know it yet. I’m not willing to continue to allow these sort of things continue in my home and whether I feel that I love him or not, this is not what I want for my children. I don’t want my children to grow up and feel that this type of behavior is ok; because it isn’t. We have to set standards in which we live by in order to teach our children right from wrong, teach them what love is and what it isn’t, teach them how to know when it’s time to leave a relationship or job for something better and more stable and how to do this appropriately. As I observe what is going on in my home, I am beginning to realize that I’ve been blind to a lot of stuff and that the whole “I love you but don’t want you” has turned in to more of the family as a whole and less about just me. It’s not about what’s best for all of us and taking the blinders off and assuring that we will all be safe and have a decent life. I’ll admit that part of me is like “whoa, hold on a minute! You’re leaving and going to be a single mom again? Isn’t it easier just to put up with the crap?” Well sure it would be if it was just him and I, but it’s not. I see the confusion in the kids faces when they’re getting yelled at for something that’s not there fault and the hurt in there eyes when this happens. I’m not ready to be a single mom again, but it’s something I have to do. I have to take a stand and fight for my children and do what’s right by them. I’m going to stay angry and make sure this is the end. I’ll continue my thirty days and at the end, the last post will be about how I’m going to get out of the marriage and what happened when I told him I want out. Stay tuned and keep your strength!